Preoccupation

Sometimes I feel like an old, rusty car. There was a time not so far back in the past I felt like a brand new powerful Mustang.

Preoccupation

Since April 2010, there is not a single day that I woke up feeling complete, healthy. Every morning, right after I wake up, the first thought that forms in my mind is 'how am I today'? There is a sad hope in that. Maybe through a miracle, 'it' went away overnight. Like an unclogged pipe. Poof...Gone...

I am at war with this disease. From the outside it is very easy to say "don't be like that...It creates additional stress which, you know, is not good for you. Accept it."

Well, it doesn't work like that. I haven't been using sugar since high-school. I've always been careful about my nutrition. Sports? Check. Integral part of my life. I always took care of myself. Then why? Why me?

Pretty unreasonable right? Yes it is. I know that too. But I can't help feeling resentful.

I spend so much time running google searches, watching YouTube videos about causes of Parkinson, leaky gut, coconut oil, turmeric, what have you...

If someone had told me years ago that I would grow an incessant interest in coconut oil, I would have moved away in a second never to talk to that person again.

Would I read books like Letting go if I weren't dealing with this disease? (I am very glad I did...)

On the other hand, being diagnosed with Parkinson's woke me up to a lot of things I would have otherwise dissed. I now approach everything acknowledging their potential for being true. I didn't become gullible nor naive and still maintain a healthy(?) dose of suspicion towards certain things. I got rid of judgement. And that is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

While trying to deal with this disease, I made so many mistakes that I got to realize the true meaning of 'to err is human'. I don't need anybody's judgement on me as I won't bestow mine on anybody.

Anything is possible. Impossible is nothing. I will beat this thing. One way or another I will. Maybe I should start by changing what 'beating it' means. Not letting it beat me will also count as a big victory.